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Canine Humour
A Dog's Eye View of Obedience Class
HEEL ON LEAD: Walk as slowly as you can, then spring forward with all your weight. If your handler falls flat on his or her face, you score 25 points.
RECALL: When your handler shouts at you, assume rock deafness. On no account sit in front of your handler, because he will only make you heel. 25 points if your handler loses his voice.
RETRIEVE the DUMBBELL: On no account fetch it back, because he will only throw it away again. If he wants the stupid piece of wood let him fetch it himself, you will be helping to train him not to throw away things he really wants. 5 points every time the handler gets the dumbbell.
SIT: Stay one inch away from the ground at the back end. This builds muscles and makes your rear legs stronger, which will help you pull your handler down on the HEEL ON LEAD.
~unknown
And God Created Dog
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.
~unknown
Why Dogs Should Be President
They work well together.
They work for the good of the pack.
They protect their young and their elders.
They do not kill indiscriminately.
They do not lie, cheat or steal.
They won't spend money redecorating the White House.
They do not read Newspapers, watch TV or give interviews.
Their clothes don't have zippers or pockets.
They don't indulge in fantasies.
They can be NEUTERED!
- unknown
First Vet Visit
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."
- unknown
You know you are a dog person if...
*Nobody's feet are allowed on the furniture, but your dogs are welcome to sleep on any piece they so choose.
* It takes an entirely separate garbage can to handle the poop.
*All kinds of things around the house are in need of repair, but the injured dog you rescued by the side of the road requires immediate surgery and out comes the checkbook.
*You and your family haven't had your annual check up in two years, but the dogs are all medically up to date
* You start barking at your children to "Sit! Stay!"
*You're more concerned with the dogs' needs than your own when the budget gets tight
*At least three of your five weeks vacation are scheduled around grooming, vaccinations and dental cleaning...all for the dogs!
*Dog crates double as chairs and/or tables in your family room
* You can only remember people by associating them with their dog
*Overnight guests (who share your bed) are offended by having to sleep with you and the dog(s)
*You snuggle closer to the dog than the person with whom you are sleeping
*You decide to downsize from a huge house in the city to an average country cottage with lots of land in order to build the kennel of your dreams
* You spend more time looking through mail order catalogues for dog supplies than for Victoria's Secret nighties or Miles Kimball gadgets
*All your social activities revolve around other dog people
* Your voice is recognized by your vet's receptionist
* Everyone at the office is eager to know if the dogs are all right because you were late for the meeting
* The whereabouts of all your important legal and personal documents escapes you, yet you know precisely where to locate the file that includes all the vet records, breed papers and registration
*Your trunk has an emergency food kit for any strays you might come across
*The majority of your charitable contributions go to animal organizations
*To win a precious $.75 show ribbon, you think nothing to forking out hundreds of dollars to board/pet sit the other dogs, pay for entry fees, gas, accommodations and meals
*You no longer have to buy extra large garbage bags, because the empty, 40 pound dog food bags work just as well
*Complete strangers call you on the phone to ask questions because they heard you were a" dog person"
*Your mom calls and asks how the granddogs are
*Every gift you ever get has something to do with dogs
*Your cookie jar has never seen the likes of people cookies
*You rip up the carpet and lay tile to make clean up so much easier
* Your children (wife, husband, etc.) complain that you always take more pictures of the dog than you do of them
*While proudly showing off your family album, your guest asks, "Isn't there anyone else in your family besides the dog?"
*Any conversation you're having is effortlessly directed back to the topic of dogs
*Your first concern when planning a vacation is whether or not the hotel will take pets
* You politely bow out of an important social engagement so you can attend a dog show
*The number one priority when buying a new house is the size and landscape of the backyard
*The only (or at least first) forum you log onto is the animal forum
* You describe your children as having temperaments rather than personalities
*The cost of boarding your furkids equals that of your entire vacation
*Your dog decides he doesn't like someone and you tend to agree
*All your non-dog friends know to dress down when visiting your house
* Your friends know which chair not to sit in
*First time visitors wonder aloud: "Do you smell something?" and you really don't
* You become the family dog kennel for all your relatives
* You don't think twice about sitting on the floor because both the couch and the chair are completely dog full
*Your desk proudly displays your canine family
* All dates must pass your dog's inspection
*The first question you ask when on a date is: "So, do you like animals?"
*You buy a bigger bed that will comfortably sleep six
*You break down and buy another pillow so you can have one to sleep on
* More than half your grocery money goes to dog food and treats
*You buy a mini-van to give them all enough travel room
* Your carpeting matches the color of your dog - purposely
*The thought of changing a baby's diaper makes you swoon, but you can pick up dog poop barehanded, if necessary, without batting an eye
*You send out especially-made holiday cards that feature you and the dogs
*Your spouse issues the ultimatum: "It's them or me!" and you have no problem pointing out the suitcase
*You readily allow your dogs to give you slobbery kisses, but you don't dare wipe a toddler's nose
*Onlookers grimace at the sight of you sharing your sandwich with your four-legged pal, bite for bite
*Your dog has the best birthday party over and above any kid in the entire neighborhood
*Your dogs eat only the most nutritionally sound food, while your favorite meal is mac'n cheese
* You've traced your dog's family tree further than you have your own
* You're more familiar with dog laws than you are with people laws
*You stagger your dog magazine subscriptions to make sure you'll receive one every week
*Your vet's office number is the first one on your speed dial list, his home is number two
* Your vet takes a few extra courses just to keep up with your breed's assorted ailments
* Your file is the only one that remains in the "IN" box at the vet's office
* Your file rivals War And Peace
* You can't remember family birthdays and anniversaries, but you can rattle off a six generation pedigree with birthdates, health data and coat colors at the drop of a hat.
*You have *two* dog doors between the house and the fenced yard, so the doggies can run circles, half inside, half outside.
*You rush to get home from work in time to get some of what your spouse is fixing for the dogs, since she/he doesn't cook for you.
* You've just spent $60 on groceries and realize none of it is for yourself.
Anyone can look at your (pick all that apply) --- T-shirt - sweatshirt - coffee mug - keychain - beach towel - cooking apron - couch throw - tote bag - computer screen saver/wallpaper/mousepad/wristpad/monitor frame -
gift wrapping paper - photographic displays - calendars - refrigerator magnets - weather vane - door mat - bumper stickers - umbrella - Christmas sweater - socks - embroidery project - child's collection of stuffed animals - sheets and bedspread - checks - checkbook covers - throw pillows - Home Pages --- and know immediately that you are a dog lover, AND probably what particular breed you favor.
*Your bedspread doesn't have to coordinate with the bedroom, as it's always covered with a sheet for the dogs, anyway. Ditto for the couches.
*The family's eye doctor is located in town, but the dog's ophthalmologist is located a two-hour drive away.
*Your medications are available at the drug store down the block, but your dog's medication has to be ordered from and shipped by a specialist.
* It's easier to get a hairdresser's appointment for yourself than it is to get one for your dog.
*Dog hair in food is just another spice.
*Your dogs have their own Christmas card and gift list -- and they receive cards and gifts in return.
* The part of your will dealing with your dogs is longer than any other part.
*The guardians of your dogs will receive a larger amount of insurance policy money than will all other members of your family, combined.
*The instructions to the dog kennel are longer than the instructions to the house sitter.
*Your personal library is heavy on dog books -- and so is the library for which you order books.
*Your favorite month is April - National Dog Appreciation Month!
*Your dogs have a larger wardrobe of holiday-related bandanas than you do.
*You hate to go to the grocery store for people food, but when the dog treats are gone, off you go with no hesitation, even at the busiest time.
*You have three Home Pages -- all of them dealing with your dogs, your friends' dogs, your dogs' friends, etc.
* The most exciting times on vacations, no matter where in the world you go, is when you get to pet a dog (a "canine fix").
*Most of your vacation pictures are of dogs around the world.
*The largest display of collectibles in the house is dog stuff -- plates, photos, cards, etc.
* Kiss your dog more than 10 times per greeting.
*Introduce your dog to the photographer and ask would you like to kiss fido also.
* Cut your vacations to 3 day weekends only.
*Call long distance and talk with your dog.
*Order 250 Xmas photos of just the dog, no family in photos.
*Order 5x7 photos of the kids and order 16 x20 of SPOT.
*Your Mother's Day (birthday, anniversary, etc.) present is a puppy.
*The only time you use your camper is for dog shows.
*The part of the backyard you finish first is the dog run.
*You spend more time on the computer dealing with "dog stuff" than "other stuff"
* Your "Welcome" sign has a dog on it.
* Your e-mail address is your kennel name.
*You have a kiddy wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
* Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
*You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.
* The trash can is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
* You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
* Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
* Your dog sleeps with you.
* You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but the dog understands them all.
*You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
* You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
*You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
*You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog is more comfortable.
*Your jewelry box contains no jewels - just those fasteners from vari-kennels
* Every time you read the name Bob, you think the guy's first name is Best of Breed
* You ask your vet if you can ride in his/her sports car (that u paid for) sometime
* Your house isn't carpeted - the fuzzy furballs under your feet are soft enough
* Your hungry spouse comes home from work, lifts the cover of the pan on the stove and asks "Is this people food or dog food"?
* Your hungry spouse once ate the dog food and asked for seconds
* Your mother in law, family, relatives keeps asking when you are going to have real children
* You don't give a second thought to using the brush you just used on your dog to give a quick run through your own hair
* At your dinner parties, you always double check the butter for dog hair before putting it on the table
* You put important papers in your latest issue of your breed magazine so you know you will find them there
* You have dog hair stuck on tape on wrapping gifts
* You have dog treats/toys in your briefcase or in pockets of your work suit
* You have several albums filled with the 8x10 pictures of your dogs but can't find any pictures of your family for grandma
* You show up to car dealers with a ruler to measure and see if your big dog crate will fit and before the actual purchase you make the dealer cringe by insisting that you load both crates and dog into the shiny new vehicle to make sure it works.
* You can't get the groceries in the car because a) already full of dog food or b) you have that big dog crate in there
* You visit relatives only if there is a dog show nearby
*You remove all seats from the van except the front 2 so you have room for crates
* The passenger seat is full of dog stuff
* You cringe at the price of people food but think nothing of the cost of dog food or treats
* You have six squeaky rats... but only 1 of them squeaks
* Your mother knows the implication of a "major breaking"
* You put popcorn in the clean dog dish for movie night
* You pull out your credit card and little bits of liver are stuck to it
* When you get your latest roll of film developed there isn't a single picture of a 2-legged person in it
* People at work no longer offer you their lint brush. They realize it is a hopeless case.
* Friends no longer ask "how was your weekend", they ask "how did the dogs do"
* All babies and youngsters are "people puppies"
- unknown
Doghouse Diaries
MAY 21: The truck is gone and most of the items from the old cave have been moved to the new one. Bill keeps
fussing over me. He seems to think I will have trouble adapting to a cave with a yard, trees, grass, and our very own
squirrels. AS IF. This morning, on the deck, he kept saying, over and over again: "We live HERE, now. Do you
understand? We used to live THERE. But now we live HERE. This is our HOME, now. HERE." Yeah, yeah. HERE.
I get it, already.
MAY 22: After opening another can of goo for me, Bill made himself a thick, juicy rib steak. We've been together
since October, and he's still treating me like a dog. He did, however, offer the bone to me when he was finished. I
chewed it for a while and then buried it in the dirt by the shed. Bill stood up, with this rather incredulous look on his
face, and it suddenly occurred to me that he'd never seen me bury anything before. He asked if I learned how to do
this from watching cartoons. I think he was serious.
MAY 23: I have to say that I really LOVE this yard. The only drawback is that there are fences on all four sides. But,
as that cute Chihuahua in East Rutherford used to say, "No problema." I've begun preliminary excavation work at
four different locations. Bill has noticed three of them, but the fourth one is hidden behind a poster of Rita Hayworth.
I may not have learned much from watching cartoons, but "The Shawshank Redemption" was a revelation.
MAY 24: Every time I bark in the yard, Bill has a fit, and makes me come back into the cave. What is his problem?
Today he actually said, "If you want to bark all day, get a job, and buy your OWN house." Well, excuuuse me. I guess
no one's told him that barking IS my job. God knows I never hear HIM bark. People walk by all day and night and he
never makes a sound. He just paints, empties boxes, and rearranges rugs, knickknacks, and furniture I've never
seen before. Sometimes I don't know what to pee on first. As for the barking, maybe I'll just stop altogether. In fact,
if someone breaks in, maybe I'll jump on his lap, lick his face, and help him dismantle the stereo.
MAY 25: After napping on the couch for three hours, Bill got up at 1 a.m. and started painting the hallway. I HATE
that smell. As soon as I saw him spreading newspapers on the floor, I went up to bed. I came back downstairs to
check things out an hour or so later, and he was still painting away like a lunatic. When he saw me, he said, "Hi,
Jasp," like it was the middle of the afternoon. I walked across the newspaper, into the living room, and onto the
couch. Then I heard this blood-curdling scream. Apparently, I tracked paint all over his stupid Pakistani rug. "Do you
know how much I paid for this rug?" he screamed, spritzing club soda all over the place. Well, at least I got him to
bark. Incidentally, if you've never had club soda on your paws, it's the wildest sensation. I can't wait until he paints
the porch.
MAY 26: We were out on the deck again, and this big fat bug waddled by, so I ate it. Bill ran over and pried my
mouth open. Too late! But he was really freaking out. He even ran inside and called the vet. (Ha! He should only
KNOW what I've eaten since we moved here.) He came back out a few minutes later and started waving his finger at
me. "Don't you ever do that again," he said. "Eating bugs is a sign of mental illness." I didn't know what to say, so I
nodded, and played with my squeak toy.
MAY 27: Gary came over and we all sat on the deck. Bill went inside to answer the phone, and as soon as he did,
Gary took four bugs out of his pocket, and we each ate two. Gary is so cool. He said, "Whatever you do, don't tell
Billy." My lips are sealed.
MAY 28: Bill was fine all day, but he really came down on me after dinner about my toys. Ever since the move he's
turning into like this TOTAL rule freak. Outdoor toys stay outside. Inside toys stay inside. No squeak toys after 9
p.m. Yada, yada, yada. Then he went on this total RAMPAGE, picking all my toys up off the floor, tossing them back
into the box, and saying, "Can't you put these things away when you're done with them?" I don't mind sitting, rolling
over, and shaking hands, but I draw the line at putting away toys. If he wanted a monkey, why the hell didn't he buy
one?
MAY 29: I finally figured out that I can get into the yard by myself. And it's so easy! All you have to do is push the
screen door open with your nose. A puppy could do it. Anyway, when Bill saw me outside he said, "I thought I
brought you in," and then let me back into the kitchen. Naturally, I pushed to door open again with my nose and
returned to the yard, just to show him how I clever I am. Well, this is never a good idea, especially when you're living
with the control freak of the century. Within 15 minutes he screwed a hook onto the screen, and gave me this whole
lecture about who's in charge around here. I can't even imagine what he's going to do when he finds out that I can
use the microwave.
MAY 30: Well, I guess it had to happen sooner or later. I saw a squirrel on the fence. And, when he ran into the next
yard, I made a beeline for my secret escape route. I wound up in the next yard somewhere, and then I couldn't find
my way back, so I went through some hedges, and wound up on the sidewalk. It was totally disorienting. I finally
found my way back to the house, but I couldn't get back into the yard because of the fence. How's that for ironic? So,
I climbed the front steps and waited by the door. About 10 minutes later, Bill came out to get the mail, saw me, and
yelled, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?" He then took me back into the yard, and started blocking up all of
the openings in the fence -- even the ones I CAN'T fit through -- with rocks, lumber, whatever he could find. Is this
fair? "I'm doing this because I love you," he said, "and I don't want anything to happen to you. Do you understand?"
I didn't, at first, but then, the more I thought about it, the more I figured he meant it. And I was kind of touched by
the whole thing, to tell you the truth. So, when we went back inside I licked his forehead and made him some popcorn
in the microwave.
"WHAT IS THIS?" he yelled.
There is just no pleasing the man.
- unknown
